US hopes to replace worst president ever with worst president ever
Are they gonna plump for Trump or will they be genocidin' with Biden?
After replacing the worst president ever with the worst president ever, the world’s greatest nation (after Normal Island) is confident it can replace the worst president ever with the worst president ever. This is because the return of the legendary Donald Trump seems increasingly likely. This gives me hope the UK might one day see the return of Liz Truss.
Please, please, please.
Somebody called Ron DeSantis was hoping to become the worst US president ever, but he has dropped out of the race and done the most dignified thing he possibly could: endorse the man who has spent the last year publicly humiliating him.
As one of the more mature Americans, Trump has regularly accused “Ron Desanctimonious” of wearing high heels to boost his height and Ron has tried really hard not to cry because he didn’t want to show America he is a snowflake. You’ve no idea how much effort it took for Ron to hold back those tears. Wearing high heels is painful.
Now I’m going to be honest, I’ve no idea what’s going on in US politics because the whole charade is incredibly annoying, but I think I’m right in saying Trump’s only remaining challenger is a former Hogwarts head mistress called Nikki Haley who is confident she could also be the worst president ever, and she has an ace up her sleeve - an obsession with mass surveillance. Americans are really spoiled for choice here.
Haley’s wild eyes seem to contain no thoughts other than how to harvest the screams of children, however, she is considered by corporatists to be more reliable than the former president who hung around with Jeffrey Epstein for no particular reason. The current president is seen by voters as the lesser of two evils because he has only participated in genocide and sniffed hair.
President Biden spends most of his time napping these days, but the real president, Antony Blinken, says he is more than happy to shove his hand up his arse and ventriloquise like Steven Bannon did with Trump until he realised what was happening. Rest assured neither candidate is capable of articulating a coherent thought if left unattended and should probably be taken to a home so they can spend their days shouting at a TV, but the world’s second greatest nation has other plans.
The question on every American’s lips is which deranged lunatic shall we put in charge of the nuclear button this time? Let’s be honest, Nikki Whatserface has no chance so the real question is: are they gonna plump for Trump or will they be genocidin’ with Biden?
I suspect it all boils down to which one offers the most bloodshed in their manifesto because the one thing that arouses Americans more than stroking their AR-15 is bombing a country full of brown people back to the stone age. War is their national sport (apart from that thing they mistakenly call football).
In a clear example the US is a functioning democracy, all remaining candidates have vowed to jail their opponents and censor their critics if they win. Each hopeful plans to spend enough money to end homelessness several times over during the election campaign so they can convince Americans they will enrich people who are already rich, but in this instance, no one needs convincing because the two front runners have broken national records for awfulness.
Whichever man wins, the real winners will be everyone who is desperately waiting for World War III x
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Accidentally on the Boston news, they called the (R) candidate Hickey Nailey. I like that better... Laura.