UK politicians worried they've accidentally committed war crimes
Let's be honest, it could happen to anyone
There is huge panic among the British political establishment that they might have accidentally committed war crimes. This is because cheering for an out-of-control regime that is ethnically cleansing a civilian population with blatant disregard for the Geneva Convention is a war crime itself. Whoops!
Apparently screaming: “Yay! Go Netanyahu! Kill! Kill! Kill!” as more bombs are dropped on the Gaza Strip in a week than were dropped on Afghanistan in a year is a strict violation of international law. Who knew?
Shockingly, a Tory MP who I’ve never heard of called Crispin Blunt decided to spoil everything by pointing out some boring legal stuff in an interview:
“And as international law has developed in this area, the fact of being complicit makes you equally guilty to the party carrying out the crime.”
Equally fucking guilty. Yelp.
This means our dipshit politicians could end up behind bars just because they couldn’t control their sadistic urges. It looks like saying the quiet part loud comes with consequences and the days of being a blabbering, unfiltered Trump clone could be over.
Oh well, the politics of appealing to the worst possible people to win the cheapest possible votes was fun while it lasted, but we must pretend to be grownups now.
Let’s get back to sensible politics.
Sensible politics would be to pretend the rules of war are being followed and that you genuinely care about civilian life while egging on Israel in private so you don’t incriminate yourself. You’re not supposed to brag about being an accomplice. I just hope the damage isn’t already done because this “Israel and its allies have immunity from prosecution” thing couldn’t last forever, no matter how much we wanted it to.
Apparently, MPs were emboldened by their inhumane treatment of refugees and elderly and disabled people after they decided it would be more cost effective to not let them live. There is confusion about how they were allowed to get away with discarding human lives, and it’s only now, when Arab lives are affected, that it’s suddenly a problem.
Clearly, the Geneva Convention has gone woke, just like the United Nations and Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch and all those other horrible organisations that think all lives matter. And to think it was considered racist when we pretended all lives matter to score political points over black people.
A visibly sweating lawyer for suspected war criminal Rishi Sunak said:
“You people can take a joke, right? Obviously, Rishi didn’t mean all that stuff about Israel being allowed to cut the power to hospitals and starve civilians and deprive them of water and block humanitarian aid and carpet bomb a population that is forty-seven percent children. This was, uh, trench humour.
“The prime minister now fully understands, I mean has always understood, that collective punishment is a war crime and that civilian lives must be protected, even if they’re Arabs.”
Now I’m no legal expert, but I’m not sure that defence is going to stand up in the International Criminal Court. Unfortunately, Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer did not do a much better job of defending himself. He said:
“Let me be clear, I’ve always said that collective punishment is wrong, apart from that time that I said it was and wasn’t wrong.
“Let’s not forget that I said collective punishment is only okay as long as it stays within international law. How was I supposed to know collective punishment is always a violation of international law? I’m only a human rights lawyer.”
Sadly for Sir Keir, ignorance of the law is not a defence, especially when human rights law is the specialist subject you could go on Mastermind with and probably become champion. Starmer pretending he doesn’t know how to do human rights law is like me pretending I don’t know how to do amazing journalism. Nobody is going to believe that.
Perhaps the best solution would be for our blabbermouth politicians to shut the hell up and let the lawyers put out statements saying leftie things: “War crimes are bad”. I know that’s cringe, but it’s still better than spending the rest of your life behind bars with only your fellow MPs for company. That’s a fate no one should endure, not even war criminals.
If they really want to convince the ICC they’re reformed, politicians could go a step further and call for peace, but unfortunately that would make them sound like Jeremy Corbyn and let’s be honest, that would be humiliating.
And to think, all this is only happening because Crispin Blunt went and opened his stupid mouth because he cares about “war crimes”. I’m not sure Crispin is in a position to lecture anyone on war crimes because I’m pretty sure he is the brother of James, and that song “You’re beautiful” was almost as bad as any war crime Israel has ever committed. Just sayin’ x
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