If you can brave the unchartered wilderness of North Yorkshire, somehow surviving the biting year-round cold and the savages snarling “Eyup, lad!” while you steer clear of the barbarian stronghold known as “Middlesbrough”, you will be treated to a spectacle that experts have described as “Britain’s most beautiful landmark”.
If you’re unfamiliar with this glorious wonder of Middle-Earth, prepare to marvel:
Yes, you are looking at raw sewage pouring into a river inhabited by turds and sanitary wear that spills onto the nearby road, and yes, that is a couple you can see in the background taking a romantic stroll through this beauty spot (heart emoji).
If you are fortunate enough to take a stroll through Hazel Grove Beck at Saltburn, you can enjoy the soothing aroma of polio spores, and if you get lucky, you might even witness green goddess Thérèse Coffey bathing in those youth-restoring waters.
No wonder sewage falls has been named the UK’s most beautiful landmark!
The sewage falls were born thanks to an exciting collaboration between the Tory government and Northumbrian Water who didn’t bother with sewage treatment because they wanted to pay out £52.5 million in dividends this year.
This is the kind of investment that truly delivers for communities. If we had a nationalised water service like every other country in the world, that dividend money would’ve been wasted on infrastructure and sewage treatment.
Saltburn residents have reported falling sick after clearing up turds that washed into their gardens, and homes have been flooded, but let’s be honest, no one cares because they’re northerners and don’t count as real people. Anyways, I’m sure even primitive northerners will agree their sickness was a worthwhile sacrifice. Where else in the world can you see poo floating down your high street?
If you thought sewage falls was exciting, the news somehow gets even better (hard to believe, I know!)
The World Triathlon Series took place in the sparkling turd-infested waters of Sunderland at the weekend. Fifty-seven competitors fell sick with diarrhoea, but this simply shows they’re not cut out to be triathletes. Think of this as natural selection. After all, anyone who wants to survive in Tory Britain needs to be resistant to their shit.
A water sample taken at Roker beach showed 3,900 colonies of E. Coli per 100ml which was 39 times higher than readings from the previous month, and let’s be honest, Sunderland is a shit hole at the best of times. Last time I visited for work, the mackems kept throwing rocks at me and I can’t figure out why.
British Triathlon has furiously disputed the sample findings because the waters passed their safety tests, proving the 57 people with explosive diarrhoea were being drama queens. The fact the event took place on a stretch of coastline where sewage discharges are common is entirely irrelevant. The water is a beautiful shade of brown and these people fell sick for no reason.
Northumbrian Water has thoughtfully explained it’s not responsible for any illnesses because there have been no sewage discharges at Roker beach, only at nearby Whitburn, and those discharges did more good than bad.
Thérèse Coffey has explained that, like her, the swimmers who survived the discharges should be imbued with supernatural powers, such as the ability to make house plants shrivel up and die in their presence. In other words, they will be better triathletes thanks to her expert running of Defra. Personally I think a thank you would be nice x
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Fabulous! You Brits have outdone US again. First it was getting through to the round of 16, and now this. Shit!
This would be finny if it weren't true: "The World Triathlon Series took place in the sparkling turd-infested waters of Sunderland at the weekend. Fifty-seven competitors fell sick with diarrhoea, but this simply shows they’re not cut out to be triathletes. Think of this as natural selection. After all, anyone who wants to survive in Tory Britain needs to be resistant to their shit."