Rupert Murdoch to finally retire at 1,006 years of age
This is a devastating blow to journalism
I must bring you the sad news the media’s most reliable and fearless truth teller, Rupert Murdoch, is retiring from Fox and News Corp. This announcement has caused concern about how we will maintain media impartiality and exceptional journalistic standards when he's gone.
Given Murdoch resembles an unwrapped mummy, I can only speculate his retirement is due to health concerns, but considering he’s 1,006 years old and presumed immortal, no one’s clear what’s going on. All I know is I want to pay tribute to him so consider this an early obituary.
Keith Rupert Murdoch was born in 1017 to loving necromancers Xagrim and Azezor Murdoch who stumbled across “dragon bones” (the idiots hadn’t heard of dinosaurs) and thought it would be cool if they soaked the fossils in human blood. One violent thunder storm later, a demonic reptilian thing named Keith emerged from a blinding lightning strike.
Truth be told, scientists have no idea how to categorise Keith, they just know he’s cold-blooded and hideous. Sadly, Keith didn’t like his forename because let’s be honest, Keith is really embarrassing, so he went with his middle name, Rupert, which is also really embarrassing.
Anyways, Keith, I mean Rupert first came to my attention when I was a child and opened a copy of The S*n which inexplicably was not on the top shelf with the other smut rags. I was greeted by a pair of boobs and from that moment, I understood what good journalism is all about - titillation and distraction. By this measure, no one has done more for UK journalism than Keith Rupert, not even the halfwits at GB News.
One S*n editor, Larry Lamb, was a speechwriter for Margaret Thatcher, and in a totally independent move, Larry was later awarded a knighthood. In other words, you have Larry and Rupert to thank for our first ever female prime minister (and our greatest prime minister until Liz Truss came along).
If ever you see a poor person struggling, chances are they can trace their problems back to Thatcher, but the Murdoch takeover goes back further than 1979. Keith Rupert bought the News of the World in 1968 to celebrate his 951st birthday, and it’s fair to say no other newspaper was more committed to abolishing basic journalistic standards.
For example, when a teenage girl was horrifically murdered, News of the World journalists asked the question that no rational person would dream of asking: what secrets are stored on that girl’s phone? - and they hacked her voicemail.
Surprisingly, the public didn’t take too well to the News of The World’s unorthodox methods for obtaining scoops, and when they found out about the phone hacking, Murdoch was forced to scrap his beloved newspaper. This left him with only The S*n, The S*n on Sunday, The Times, and The Sunday Times to poison UK politics and trick braindead idiots into voting against their self-interest.
Interestingly, it’s considered terrible when Russia interferes in our democracy by sharing memes on Twitter, but when an Australian runs newspapers and TV channels to lie pathologically to the Anglosphere, that's “free speech”. I’m not clear on the rule here, but obviously, there was a non-corrupt reason for one man to own so much of our media.
Keith Rupert set up Fox News in 1996 in a small country called “America” to rival Cartoon Network in terms of accuracy and relevance to the real world, but Fox became so much more than that. For example, it gave us the invasion of Iraq which was fondly known as “Mr Murdoch’s War” because he had been agitating for invasion for so long and he was the chief war propagandist when it started. He was our very own Chemical Ali.
Coincidentally, all 175 editors that Murdoch hired were in agreement the war was a brilliant idea, so don’t let anyone claim we don’t have a free press. Murdoch let slip his motivation for starting the war was to reduce oil prices so clearly his heart was in the right place.
“The greatest thing to come out of this for the world economy ... would be $20 a barrel for oil. That's bigger than any tax cut in any country.”
If the invasion of Iraq wasn’t enough, Murdoch promoted America’s greatest intellectual, Donald Trump, giving him a free segment on Fox called “Mondays with Trump”. Fox later pushed the claim that Trump lost embarrassingly to Biden because the 2020 general election was stolen. It was quite shocking when Fox hosts were caught admitting they knew they were lying - I’d always assumed they were just stupid.
Murdoch must have inherited powers from his necromancer parents because he has this unnerving ability to predict the winner of an election. In fact, he has correctly guessed every UK prime minister since 1979. Obviously, this ability has no bearing on the fact the UK is a shit-hole where people pull out their own teeth, turds wash up on our beaches, and Ed Sheeran won’t stop making music.
The S*n is loved everywhere in the UK, apart from the barbarian stronghold of Liverpool where it is not sold because it lied about the Hillsborough disaster and said the 97 victims were to blame for their own deaths. Scousers can be so petty like that.
Heroically, Murdoch helped give us Brexit by publishing shameless lies such as a front page headline: “Queen backs Brexit”. He spoke passionately about bendy bananas until it was the only issue his barely literate readers cared about, apart from fishing quotas.
Murdoch explained his passion for bendy bananas to The Evening Standard: “When I go into Downing Street, they do as I say. When I go into Brussels, they take no notice.” Strangely, Murdoch now denies uttering those words, sparking hopes, I mean fears he may have dementia.
In 2016, former supermodel Jerry Hall sold her soul to become Murdoch’s fourth wife because she was optimistic she would be widowed, but when her husband was clinging to life six years later, she couldn’t take any more and divorced him. Sadly, her soul was not returned as part of the divorce settlement and Jerry now has no reflection.
Like war criminal Henry Kissinger, Keith Rupert Murdoch is proof that the finest people live the longest. He has been praised by some of the world’s most loved figures, such as phone-hacking enthusiast Piers Morgan, who described him as a “bold, brilliant, visionary leader whose audacity and tenacity built a magnificently successful global media empire”. Let's just ignore the fact Piers is a c*nt.
As you can imagine, political leaders across the world are devastated by the news of Murdoch’s retirement. Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer said he is “gutted” that he has “wasted all of these years sucking up to him”. Prime minister Rishi Sunak said he is “livid” that he has to "start all over again with another Murdoch" and hopes Lachlan is “just as corrupt as his father”. We can but hope x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x
I met Rupert Murdoch at a John Jay scholars' supper at Columbia University in 1982. He was full of bonhomie and wind. I asked him about his newspapers. He was very candid. Scandal and page six ladies sell papers. It would be fair to characterise him as mercenary af
As usual, brilliantly and wittily said. Thank you and keep writing!