Laura Kuenssberg is the new presenter of Match of the Day
This is an incredible opportunity for me!
The BBC has made the courageous decision to suspend woke leftie Gary Lineker for telling the truth about refugees and drawing accurate comparisons with 1930s Germany. As a result of this decision, woke lefties Ian Wright and Alan Shearer (me neither) have decided to step down in solidarity because they have “principles”.
I’m therefore excited to announce I will be the new presenter of Match of the Day from tomorrow, even though I know nothing about football! This is because I’m one of the few presenters unbiased enough for Tory-donating BBC chairman Richard Sharp. I know, I know, that’s quite a charge, but it’s definitely true!
Richard expects BBC presenters to be as neutral as Fiona Bruce who defended Stanley Johnson’s proposed knighthood because when he broke his wife’s nose, it was “a one-off”. Domestic violence is no big deal, but suggesting Tories are exaggerating the scale of immigration is beyond the pale. We must ensure our language is always neutral enough to support the government’s propaganda efforts.
For example, when Tories use words like “invasion”, it’s wrong to point out that Hitler used the same language, and it’s also wrong to point out Hitler got people fired for disagreeing with him, and it’s also wrong to point out he undermined the rule of law. The words “never again” don’t mean you should recognise the early warning signs and call them out, you should actually fall silent and hope your government doesn’t go that far this time.
You will be pleased to know the BBC has introduced new social media guidelines which are as follows:
Tweeting stop the boats = good
Tweeting save the refugees = bad
Basic humanity from any BBC presenter will not be tolerated and nor will any attempt to tell unauthorised truths. With this in mind, woke leftie truth teller David Attenborough has been given the boot because he wanted to inform people about climate change and animals dying out. Obviously, serious matters like this cannot be discussed on television and we should instead fill your head with vacuous crap about celebrities.
The UK is a proud democratic country which celebrates the right to free speech for those who are in full agreement with the government. This is why Alan Sugar (who likes it when you call him Lord) was allowed to attack Mick Lynch on Twitter and I was allowed to stroke Boris Johnson’s thigh when I interviewed him. The BBC always focuses on entirely neutral words and imagery such as mocking up Rishi Sunak as Superman and Jeremy Corbyn as a Russian stooge.
Richard Sharp says he expects every BBC presenter to demonstrate their impartiality by donating £400,000 to the Tory Party. They could also show their loyalty, I mean impartiality, by helping out individual Tory MPs, like when Richard helped Boris Johnson secure an £800,000 loan. There is an impartiality crisis at the BBC so let’s thank god we have Richard to sort this mess out.
Anyways, you will never guess who is going to be my co-host tomorrow night! Actually, I don’t even know myself, but I’m holding out for Nadine Dorries because she is a brilliant laugh when she’s drunk. If you can think of anyone more neutral (impossible, I know), make sure you leave a suggestion and I’ll definitely put their name forward x
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Former sports commentator Alan Partridge is very neutral, though he suffers from the disadvantage of being a fictional character created by Steve Coogan.
You have such a way with words. You really should write a book (or two).