Israel condemns Palestinians for getting in the way of bombs
They should not have to gone to where they were told to go
Israel has reacted with disgust after it ordered Palestinians to move to Khan Younis in southern Gaza and they obediently followed the instruction with inevitable consequences.
An IDF spokesperson said: “Have these people learnt nothing? We’ve displaced them three times already in this conflict! They should know by now that if we tell them to go somewhere, that’s probably where our AI is going to bomb next. Why won’t they stop using themselves as human shields? It’s making us look bad.”
Thankfully, the US Congress has addressed the situation by passing a resolution declaring it’s anti-Semitic to stand under Israel’s bombs. Israel needed to limit the damage of its latest PR failure so it sent out its finest diplomats to explain why we should all hate Palestinians.
Tzipi Hotoveli, the Israeli ambassador to the UK (who is definitely sane and rational), has explained Hamas has a one billion dollar underground city somewhere in Gaza, presumably with torture chambers made of solid gold. This 1000km city has entrances in every other building in Gaza, she explained, but as of yet, the IDF have been unable to find it.
It’s unclear if Israeli soldiers are stupid or if this underground city teleports like the Hamas HQ that moves from hospital to hospital, forcing the IDF to target babies in incubators. Either way, we’d best bomb the entire Gaza Strip to ensure the remaining hostages are not smiling.
The Israeli government was embarrassed that Israeli hostages were smiling upon release, whereas Palestinian children were coming out of prison with mysteriously broken arms while faking PTSD. Therefore, they’ve decided that Israeli hostages must’ve been given the date rape drug so they would look happy.
This is the least batshit story they’ve come up with so far, indicating they’ve hired a better propaganda team because, let’s be honest, the one that faked the graveyard recording was a bit crap. You will be pleased to hear Israel is now doing a professional job of justifying its war crimes.
A CNN producer lost nine members of his family in Gaza (no one knows who lost them or how) and Jake Tapper told ambassador Mark Regev they were not Hamas. This comment was met with fury in Israel because everyone in Gaza is Hamas, even the unborn babies. This must be true because if it wasn’t, anyone who’d killed 16,200 civilians, including 8,000 children, would have to be the worst bastards imaginable, wouldn’t they?
Thankfully, Mark Regev politely explained it was the victims’ fault for not leaving northern Gaza to move somewhere safe… like Khan Younis, which Israel is currently bombing the shit out of.
Jake Tapper foolishly asked: “Where are they supposed to go?” when we all know the answer is it doesn’t matter. This is because Israel is doing everything it can to avoid casualties while it bombs civilians with 2,000lb missiles that America pays for instead of universal healthcare.
I’m sure all Americans agree this is money well spent, but if any disagree, we’ll just dismiss them as racists. We can’t have anyone getting in the way of Disney Land Gaza, certainly not the natives whose homes have been demolished with record-breaking efficiency.
Israel and the US have announced a new plan to “thin out” the Gaza population, which is a stroke of genius because it doesn’t count as genocide if you don’t call it genocide. They’ve also announced the survivors can relocate abroad because it doesn’t count as ethnic cleansing if you don’t call it ethnic cleansing.
If only every other war criminal in history had thought of this, they could’ve avoided the Hague like every American and Israeli war criminal in history x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x
You have it right again, Laura. Those rascally tunnels and teleporters must be there...they must. It's like those WMD that were in Iraq 20 years ago...I read in the Onion, that the use of the word "children" in describing casualties should be avoided by the media so that people don't think thousands of poor children have been murdered.
https://www.theonion.com/every-word-besides-children-used-to-describe-palestin-1851071213
In all seriousness for this response, I pray and weep for the children, the innocents, but most of all...the babies and their parents. To paraphrase Neil Young...those children and babies never even got the chance to be cool.
It is very important that we show solidarity with our mentor state Israel, lest they become angry with us and attack one of our ships as in a previous war. [search phrase USS Liberty] Also it is necessary to preserve jobs in our military industrial complex, who because in our desire to appease Putin are unable to build aircraft or air launched weapons for Ukraine and furthermore need to restrict ammunition deliveries for the same reason. Were we to give Ukraine an effective level of support, Putin would be sure to retaliate by reducing if not ending funding of the campaigns of Mike Johnson, Donald Trump and other loyal US politicians. We absolutely cannot allow that to happen!!!